Monday morning look back

Another week has passed and already another is upon us so I thought I would spend some time to reflect upon the last week and what I can do this week to make my life that little bit better.

Once again I ate like crap. I had Burger King and Chip shop and had burgers as well Friday night which isn’t good at all. No wonder my liver is such a mess at the moment, with all the fat I am putting into my body. I am slowly coming to the realisation that maybe what I eat really isn’t good for me at all. When I eat these fatty junk and unhealthy foods I do not feel good at all after them. I feel so guilty and so dirty on the inside that I really need to quit. I have no idea why my body carries on and craves this rubbish but slowly I am going off junk food. I need to start been more conscious about what I eat, I need to start eating clean and healthy nourishing food. I need to start been more open with food and try new things.

Last week I felt like I had one stream of bad luck after another, nothing felt like it was going right. I broke two of my archery arrows, snapped my longbow and just had a general clumsy week of mishaps. I need to be more focused and more careful not to make clumsy mistakes all the time. Sometimes I just don’t think properly I guess and then I mess up. I need to be more careful not to drop things or break things, be a little bit lighter handed maybe.

I lacked on the exercise front last week I feel. I know I did a clout shoot yesterday which involved a hell of a lot of walking but other than that I feel like I was very stagnant and lazy last week. I hadn’t done any squats like I got into the habit of doing so coming to do it today my knees ache so bad again. I felt drained last week and so unmotivated to do anything that I got out of routine in which I just got into. I need to get more on it this week and move around more even if it’s just doing 10 extra squats a day it’s better than nothing.

This week I also need to not let my anxiety get the better of me. Overall I am a lot better at controlling my anxiety now than I have been in the past but every so often I feel it creeping up on me and trying to take hold again. I worry about stupid little things sometimes and it really gets me down. I worry what the future will be and why can’t the future be now if that makes sense. I guess I get impatient or worry of time and want things to happen so quick because I get scared of losing them beforehand. It is so hard to explain anxiety that makes it the worst part of having it. I need to chill out more this week and not worry so much. I need to go with the flow more and enjoy life, let things smoothly run their course as they want to without me trying to rush things. Things will happen when they happen I need to stop impatiently waiting for them.

This week I am sure will be a better week. Your life is what you make it so I need to start making it a good one.

B x


Recently I have been thinking about my life and whether I am on the journey in which I want to be heading down; the answer is no, I am not on that journey at all, I am pretty much the furthest away I can be from it right now. To be honest I am not sure how to pursue the journey in which I want, I feel very lost in life at the moment and at times it is pretty daunting.

Growing up I was always one of these indecisive people. One minute I wanted to be a farmer the next minute I wanted to be a pyro technician and all other crazy things that seemed cool at the time. Because I had this unsettling nature I found it hard trying to actually figure out what I wanted to do in life; even though deep down I always knew what I wanted, if that makes sense. It was just actually having the balls to take the leap and doing it, that was the part in which I was never really good at.

Deep down I wanted freedom. That is something in life in which I have always yearned for. To be within nature and live a complete natural way of life. I have always felt suffocated in society and the concrete jungle surrounding me. Even though I grew up in a town I still felt enclosed in and unable to breath.

At the moment, I have a good job. Don’t get me wrong it pays well and I guess for some it is enjoyable; for me its torture, I feel stuck there like I have no escape, I have no option to leave right now. I find it so hard to get out of bed every morning to go and sit 8 hours nonstop behind a desk looking at a computer screen. The days drag and each day I go home tired and unmotivated to do the things I love; everything is drained from me, who knew you could get so tired from sitting all day. I feel right now though I have no choice but to be there. I need the money, who doesn’t but I need freedom from that place so bad before it drives me insane.

If I had the chance I would have my own land. Woodland with an open space so I could build home. Nothing to fancy, close to nature and cosy. Something I could call my own. Of course, it would be full to the rafters with books and all the things I love in life. I would love my own Pagan retreat; somewhere where likeminded people can come and camp out and experience life with me. Holistic healing location and a place to be close to nature, that would be my dream. But unfortunately, its buying that dream in which I feel I will never be able to accomplish. Working full time makes It hard to go and study in what I want to do, and having to pay out for courses would eat into my savings account in which I would need for the land; either way I feel I cannot win and this will forever stay my dream.

I hope one day I get the strength and the courage to take the leap and go for my dreams, I feel like this lifestyle in which I am living right now isn’t for me at all. I am stagnant and I am drowning, drowning in frustration and boredom of the 9-5 slog of everyday. I need to be the person I want to be, I need freedom!

Pagan path beginning….

I have decided to start a new journey in life; Paganism!

For many years I have had an interest in Paganism but never really gone anywhere with it or learnt in depth anything about it. This year I want to take my intrigue further and become Pagan. It feels like a calling in which I have been meaning to follow for a long time now.

My only problem is I do not really know where to start. A few weeks ago I decided to have a reading and he told me I was very gifted in a spiritual sense and to join a circle as soon as possible, he thinks I would quickly work my way up through the ranks of a circle and become very successful. However, how the hell do I do this. I do not even know what a circle entails and how I would be able to use Paganism to become successful in life.


I have always wanted to do something different career wise. The reader told me I was a healer in a previous life, so maybe this is my calling once again, who knows!

Hopefully a circle will be starting in my local area in a few weeks. This is something in which I will definitely be joining. Until then I would love to hear from other Pagan’s.  I would love to hear your stories and how you developed and grew within Paganism. Also if anyone has made a career from their Paganism or doing something a little bit different. Any tips or advice would be gratefully appreciated.

B x

Weight loss battle.

I really feel I have failed myself the past couple of weeks, I don’t feel so pleased with myself right at this very moment. Since losing 3lbs over the past month I feel that the last two weeks I have really gone off track. Movement has been pretty much none existent and eating healthy has gone out the window.


Here is where I feel I have gone wrong-

1. Snacking to much – This tends to happen mainly at work. Boredom and work colleagues do not help with the food cravings when a constant array of junk food is brought into the office and put under my nose, it’s so hard to resist.

2. Will power – I have no will power at the moment to say no I can’t have that it’s not good for you. Instead I am in the habit of “Oh I will have it just this once, one small treat won’t hurt and the diet can start again tomorrow” unfortunately that happens near on a daily occurrence.

3. Not sticking to plans – I have this plan at the start of the week that I will get home from work and move around more. I will get out and do some exercise even if it’s only a 30 minute walk or maybe even stretches at home. When I get home I then just tend to have a bath then lounge around in bed.

4. Not helping myself – This is my big downfall, I want to reach my goals and I know the way I am not is having a really bad effect on my health at the moment but I still carry on doing bad things. Maybe I do not have it in me to do it, but deep down I know I do, I just do not know why I cannot stick to things or achieve my goals.


Here is what I feel I need to do in order to make improvements.

1. Stop indulging when there isn’t any need to – Yes a little treat every now and again isn’t bad for you. Me on the other hand I need to stop letting myself indulge in junk food when I know it isn’t good for me. I need to get more will power to say no.

2. I need to exercise – This is a big one for me. At the moment when I try to exercise it hurts and I feel I cannot breath, this is what stops me from doing it. I get put off by the pain when really I know that if I push through it and carry on the pain will eventually subside and I will get better at it. I definitely need to get more physically active.

3. Health – I really need to take control of my health. I am having liver problems at the moment, probably down to my rapid weight gain and unhealthy lifestyle. I am sat around waiting for doctor’s appointments at things but maybe I need to take matters into my own hands to sort out my health issues. I need to be more forward and chase things in terms of appointments instead of been so timid and waiting weeks and weeks to be seen.

4. Confidence – Overall I need to improve my overall confidence and tell myself I can do it and I will get there, instead of been so negative and feeling I will never be able to do it. I need to try new activities and new food.


My weight loss goal is 4 stone, I really want to get back down to 9 stone. Get a flatter stomach and drop a couple of dress sizes. Overall I just want to be healthier; to be able to have the energy to go out and do things in life and enjoy life, that is my goal.


B x

A letter to my anxiety.

Dear Anxiety

I hate you! Not to sound nasty but you have been the bane of my life for so long now that I am at the point where you have become hard to tolerate. I spend hours pondering over why you have chosen me and what I have done to deserve been lumbered with you.

You have this annoying way of interfering and ruining everything in life, the way you just turn up out of the blue unannounced is really not called for, why can’t you just leave me alone. Please just let me be. Growing up I thought you were normal; I thought everyone had you invading their head, but I was wrong. You are a parasite, invading the weak and vulnerable, taking control over every inch of life you can get hold of.

You ruin relationships and make having any form of a social life an impossible challenge. You always make me think the worst in things; always making me feel I need to rush into things but then making me so indecisive at the same time, it’s so confusing. You haunt me with paranoia to the point I am sick and my body is weak and out of my control you’re like medusa and turn me to stone every time I dare look at you. You make routine such a big issue, if something is a second late or worse still out of routine completely you make it feel as though the world is coming to an end around me.

I wish you could tell me why you always need such reassurance all the time about every little aspect of everything; when you don’t get that reassurance you punish me to the point that I don’t even want the ability to even have my own thoughts anymore. You have made every day of my life a living nightmare. The biggest challenge of my life has been dealing with you, but not anymore; we are over!

This is my letter of resignation to you. No more am I going to have you dictate and control my life. No more am I going to let you ruin my relationships and social life. Most importantly no more am I going to let you ruin me or my dreams.


I know you’re not going to be easy to ditch but I will, I am stronger than you think. I am going to live my life for me and not you, I am taking back the reins and having full control for once. There is so much in life in which you have come in the way of. Stopped me doing and achieving so much but watch this space; the new me is on its way.


Adios anxiety this is our final goodbye and do me a favour and never look back.


B x


P.S. Life is already so much more better without you.


A letter to my period.

Dear Period

Oh how I missed you for all this time. It has been years since we have seen each other properly so really this should be a joyous occasion, instead you have to make this reunion a difficult one.

I realise that maybe you are punishing me for taking you away for so long, but what was I supposed to do, get pregnant! Pregnancy really wasn’t an option in my younger years. I needed security and convinece. You also made life difficult back then, paining me with headaches and cramps, not to mention been the heaviest you could possibly make it and not quitting for 2 weeks straight sometimes; hence why I thought things would be better if you wasn’t around.

I slowly started to realise that I missed you; that you were actually there for a purpose and reason. The Pill and the contraception injections were not the best decisions I have made in life so surely you can let me off with some of the blame, I think I felt worse on those then I actually did in your company. At least you actually left me a lone for a little while each month unlike the synthetic hormones messing up my body on a daily basis. I want now to be more natural and have you around.

Now that you are back in my life there are one or two favours in which I would like to ask of you. These of course are down to you, but I would really appreciate you taking the time to consider the affects it would have on our relationship and whether or not we will start a beautiful friendship or not.

1. Please can you tell the headaches to make a swift exit. One day a month, yeah I can deal with that, but 3-4 days straight, seriously! At least make a compromise and allow the painkillers to actually serve a purpose.

2. I like being in a happy mood, me and mood swings do not mix well; not to mention the sudden outbursts of tears and fear of the world burning down around me. Please make not only our time together but the time I spend with others whilst you’re around each month a happy occasion.

3. Can you at least at times try to be on time. It isn’t really much to ask, as soon as you are at least an hour later than usual I have this sudden panic that you aren’t going to show and that would be a shame, wouldn’t it.

4. One more request; now that your monthly visits are around 4 days long and not so tedious at the moment please can we keep the agreement that we stick to this plan. Don’t get me wrong I like having you around now but I must admit I am pleased when you decide to leave.

Most of all I want to say thank you for deciding to come back. I know years ago I messed up but I am older now and a lot wiser. I have found that the natural way is best way, so please be reassured that I won’t be turning to those nasty birth controls anymore, you’re here to stay. Let’s make this partnership a great one.


B x

P.S. If you could also send me a complimentary box of chocolates each month that would be a bonus.