Recently I have been thinking about my life and whether I am on the journey in which I want to be heading down; the answer is no, I am not on that journey at all, I am pretty much the furthest away I can be from it right now. To be honest I am not sure how to pursue the journey in which I want, I feel very lost in life at the moment and at times it is pretty daunting.
Growing up I was always one of these indecisive people. One minute I wanted to be a farmer the next minute I wanted to be a pyro technician and all other crazy things that seemed cool at the time. Because I had this unsettling nature I found it hard trying to actually figure out what I wanted to do in life; even though deep down I always knew what I wanted, if that makes sense. It was just actually having the balls to take the leap and doing it, that was the part in which I was never really good at.
Deep down I wanted freedom. That is something in life in which I have always yearned for. To be within nature and live a complete natural way of life. I have always felt suffocated in society and the concrete jungle surrounding me. Even though I grew up in a town I still felt enclosed in and unable to breath.
At the moment, I have a good job. Don’t get me wrong it pays well and I guess for some it is enjoyable; for me its torture, I feel stuck there like I have no escape, I have no option to leave right now. I find it so hard to get out of bed every morning to go and sit 8 hours nonstop behind a desk looking at a computer screen. The days drag and each day I go home tired and unmotivated to do the things I love; everything is drained from me, who knew you could get so tired from sitting all day. I feel right now though I have no choice but to be there. I need the money, who doesn’t but I need freedom from that place so bad before it drives me insane.
If I had the chance I would have my own land. Woodland with an open space so I could build home. Nothing to fancy, close to nature and cosy. Something I could call my own. Of course, it would be full to the rafters with books and all the things I love in life. I would love my own Pagan retreat; somewhere where likeminded people can come and camp out and experience life with me. Holistic healing location and a place to be close to nature, that would be my dream. But unfortunately, its buying that dream in which I feel I will never be able to accomplish. Working full time makes It hard to go and study in what I want to do, and having to pay out for courses would eat into my savings account in which I would need for the land; either way I feel I cannot win and this will forever stay my dream.
I hope one day I get the strength and the courage to take the leap and go for my dreams, I feel like this lifestyle in which I am living right now isn’t for me at all. I am stagnant and I am drowning, drowning in frustration and boredom of the 9-5 slog of everyday. I need to be the person I want to be, I need freedom!