Sex obsessed after ditching birth control!

Almost 1 year ago, I made the decision to completely rid hormonal birth control from my life. The result; I am now sex obsessed!

Hormonal birth control was a part of my life for around 9 years. After suffering the worst PMS and agonising long heavy periods each month the doctor decided the best move for me was to pill pop, by pill pop I mean take the birth control pill back to back so I didn’t even have a withdraw bleed. 7 years of having to constantly remember to take them day in day out became even more tedious so was then moved up to the more grown up stuff; the Depo provera shot. Not only did this 3-monthly injection make me pile on tonnes of weight and have health concern after health concern it also zapped away my libido.  Sex was definitely off limits during this time, even the thought of a penis made me want to vomit. Now I realise how the contraceptive injection stops pregnancy, it literally puts women off sex.

After months of deliberation I finally made the decision to go natural. Pumping my body full of synthetic hormones wasn’t doing me any good, it was time to quit. The one thing in which I have noticed since coming off the injection apart from the return of my PMS and periods is my sex drive. Oh boy, never before in my life has my libido been so high. At the moment, I crave sex on a daily basis. It is like my mind is constantly in some kind of pornography mode where images pulsate through my mind like it is stuck in repeat.

I do not know whether this is a passing phase or what it is. I am not sure whether it is a good thing or not. It is like I crave such wild and wonderful things my mind cannot drop them until maybe I have fulfilled them. Masturbation is even something in which I have been doing a lot more of recently, I never explored down there myself previously, masturbation was something in which I found boring and mundane. Now it is like I love exploring myself and figuring out all the right buttons to press.

My poor better half, I do not think he knows how to take this side of me at the moment. I feel he thinks that’s all I want him for right now, but it isn’t. Growing up I always thought men wanted sex crazed women who would satisfy them multiple times daily, so now I feel confused sometimes when a man is telling you that sex is all I seem to think about.

Now I have this new lease of life for sex it is something in which I want to explore even further into with my partner. Tantric sex, outdoor sex, role play and karma sutra are all things I want to master. I am learning that to have a fiery appetite for sex is better than no appetite at all. We are all sexual beings who yearn for something deep within ourselves, it is whether or not you have the courage to seek the desires in which raid your mind.

My advice to all women out there, ditch hormonal birth control. If you are suffering from health concerns or lack of sex drive and on contraception that is your problem. Hormonal birth control doesn’t help with your problems it masks them, if not makes them worse. If you want to feel desire again sexually take my advice and quit birth control. You will thank me for it.

B x

Anxiety! The daily battle of trials and tribulations.

For most of my teenage, actually I will rephrase that; for all of my teenage years I suffered mentally. There wasn’t a day go by where I wouldn’t be fighting some sort of demon within myself. The constant paranoia and worry and half of the time not even knowing what on earth I was worrying about.

I suffered greatly after the passing of someone very close to me. I felt as though a part of me died alongside them; to think I would never be able to see them or speak to them again at the time I’d wished I had died with them. Throughout those years, I always wondered what I had done wrong in life to deserve this burden in my head constantly. Wondering if I were normal and if other people went through the thoughts and feelings in which I was going through. I didn’t want to face the world let alone my parents. They were ashamed of me, I just knew it. There was a time I remember them pinning me to the sofa and cutting my nails short because they feared me even self-harming myself by scratching. I look back on those days now and feel so ashamed for the things I put them through and the worry in which I must have caused them.

I have moved away twice from home over the past 8 years. I have also moved back twice. You never really truly appreciate home until you need it the most. I am so glad I have parents who always have an open door ready for my return when shit hits the fan in my life. 26 years old and still living with the parents, not where every adult wants to be in their life; but hey what can you do, with no proper career prospects throughout my adult life so far and two failed relationships under my belt I guess settling in back at home has been my option.

My previous relationships didn’t bode with my anxiety. Talk about rubbish choice in men, at the time obviously, I was devastated with breaking up and all that jazz but looking back now I am so glad those relationships failed. When someone feels the need to put you down about yourself constantly there is something wrong. For a man to not want to have sex with their partner there is something wrong, for two years I was with someone who didn’t want to touch me. Someone who thought sex was some sort of sin that he didn’t want to conspire in. Now I am not surprised that I was so anxious throughout all of those years. One ex even use to shut me out when I cried, crying is a form of weakness apparently.

My life changed when I decided to change for myself and not for other people. Life is about enjoyment and fulfilment on this Planet whilst we have the chance to do so. I decided that I was going to take control of my anxiety and stop it from controlling me. Acupuncture was such a life saver for me and I can truly put my hand on my heart and swear that it did wonders for me. I am still anxious at times but isn’t everyone? No more do I have daily panic attacks or worry attacks for no reason. I am becoming so much more confident within myself to be myself.

Never let anyone tell you that your mental illness is a form of weakness. Throughout my life, I have been made to feel ashamed for having anxiety and depression. To be shunned and excluded for being different or not fitting in because socially you do not know how to act. Do not let these people do this to you. Be proud to talk about your mental illness, share your stories with others because you never know they may be feeling exactly the same as you have once been but just do not know how to talk about it or tell anyone.

I have reduced my anxiety levels by 85% compared to my past self. There are options out there just be brave enough to know it’s ok to ask for help. Do not be ashamed of who you are. Life is about choices only you can make a difference for yourself. Make that first step to a clearer more focused mind.

B x

1lb to go!

1lb to lose and that’s it, I will then be finally out of the 13st range. Over the past 9 weeks I have lost 8lb, so averaging on a lb a week. I cannot begin to tell you how amazing it feels just to of lost 8lb. I feel lighter and feel that my energy and strength are slowly coming back to me. Moving around is becoming a lot easier, I can even run up the stairs now whereas a few weeks ago I could barely manage walking up the stairs without pain or breathlessness.

 

Now I have this bug for losing weight I actually feel a lot more motivated to keep it up and stick to it. Last year when I tried to lose weight I really struggled to get the motivation and determination to actually do it. I realise now that even though I told myself I was eating right I wasn’t, I still binged on chocolate and junk food which is where my downfall lay. Over the past few months I really am starting to get my diet under control; yes I do have those days where I have a treat or go for a take away but not as much as I was doing last year. I couldn’t go a day without a few bars of chocolate and packets of crisps, the weekends also consisted of two maybe even three take away meals a week. My biggest downfall last year was fizzy drinks; they were one of those things in which I just couldn’t quit, they are so addictive! I have limited the amount of fizzy drink in which I have now, only over the weekends I tend to have a fizzy drink and not on a daily occurrence in which I got into the habit to in the past.

 

Movement has also been my life saver over the past few weeks. I know that sounds funny that movement is helping, as movement is a natural normal human activity but last year my exercise levels were practically nil. As I got into that habit of not moving around and exercising like I should even just walking down the street or up the stairs was a painful process. As I gained nearly 5 stone rapidly my legs never really gained any weight; so my tiny thin legs had the challenge of carrying this larger upper body around all day, it was a struggle. It felt as though my whole body had seized up and then when I did actually have to move around it hurt, it hurt a lot so it left me thinking that every time I moved it was going to be painful this then putting me in the mind set of not actually wanting to exercise at all so I could avoid this pain; it was such a vicious circle.

 

Over the past few weeks I have tried to move around as much as possible. I have started walking more rather than using the car and making sure I do at least 30 minutes of walking daily. It was painful at first but slowly over the past few weeks I have noticed its getting so much easier. My legs do not hurt as much and I actually feel better within myself, like I have this new lease of life and I want to be moving around more. Just been able to get in and out of the bath and walk to the shops without agony and struggle is such an amazing feeling. Slowly I am starting to introduce stretching exercising and exercises such as wall push ups and squats into my daily exercise.

 

Unfortunately because of my huge weight gain this has taken a toll on my health. My liver function isn’t what it should be and after an ultrasound scan it showed a large amount of fat on my liver. Due to these results I am currently awaiting a CT scan to investigate further what is going on inside there. This may be the issue into why I was struggling to lose weight. My HDL (good cholesterol) is at 0.89 at the moment where within a healthy adult it such be ideally above 1.2mmol/l; this indicates that something isn’t working as it should be within your liver when it comes to breaking down fats; maybe this is the reason into why I have been struggling so much with weight loss who knows. In a couple of weeks I will have my scan and hopefully get some more answers.

 

Overall I feel amazing. It is a slow process but I am feeling so good that I am finally losing; in a way I am happy that it is a lb a week because this is a healthy weight loss rather than losing it all at once. I know it is going to take time before I get that body I want back but it’s time and hard work in which I am willing to take.

 

B x

Attending my first ever spiritual circle!

Last night I embarked on my first experience of a spiritual development circle. After been sceptical of what to expect I finally plucked up the courage after many years of deliberation to attend. The circle consisted of 4 of us, 5 if you include the leader. As the group only started last night everyone was new to each other and new to the experience of a spiritual circle.

The setting of the circle is an old peaceful cottage in my town centre. I am well aware of the cottage as I go there regularly for monthly sky energy massages. The cottage is the most beautiful place, with old beams and bricks on show. The whole building has such a magical feeling to it that it really puts me at ease in there.

With everyone settled in the tiny cottage reception area of cosy couches and chairs we all got to know each other a little bit;  we were then talked through of what the circle is all about and what we can expect to do within the circle. For me I yearn to gain more knowledge on Tarot and how to read cards. This is something in which other members of the circle wanted to gain knowledge and experience from also. Runes is also something in which I am drawn to, but feel at the moment I will be unable to gain the knowledge I want to on Runes from this circle.

Chakras and Auras were the focus for last night’s circle. After a brief meditation session to open our chakras we focused on feeling our own energy and learning how to control our energy. For me this is something in which I have always found relatively easy, I am super sensitive not only to my own energy but also the energy of others around me. Ever since I was a child I could feel presence around me, I was always the best at hide and seek when it came to seeking as I was drawn to peoples energy like birds to nectar. In a way this has been a negative for me over my life, because I am so drawn to other peoples energy I sometimes feed off it; their energy drains into me and this has brought me down at times as other peoples bad energy seeps into me. Last night I learnt how to shut my chakras off and close myself a little bit so I do not open myself up as much to other peoples Auras.

After attending the circle I was pleasantly surprised with how much I enjoyed it. Not only did it get me out the house and around like minded people for a couple of hours it also gave me focus on parts of my mind and body in which I had no clue about previously. I am excited now to develop and learn more spiritually; also to be able to pass on my knowledge  mentor and teach others in what I am learning from the circle. I am excited to start living more spiritually and applying it more within my everyday life.

B x

Joining a spiritual development circle.

Tonight I am starting my journey within a spiritual development circle. For a while now I have wanted to develop more on a spiritual level and learn more about paganism and spirituality so when I saw there was a new circle starting up in my local area I jumped at the chance to join.

 

At the moment I am feeling a bit dubious and nervous about what to expect from the circle. Especially with what it will entail and the other people that will be joining the group will be like. Never before have I don’t anything like this so have no idea what to expect. This year is going to be the year I definitely delve more into my Pagan and spiritual side, I am a bit annoyed with myself for not doing it sooner. I feel as though it is something that has been calling me towards it for such a long time and I have been a fool for taking so long to go towards it.

 

My future plans are to work and live more spiritually, my dream would be to have a career mentoring others and guiding them towards paganism and meditation. Also taking a more holistic approach and gaining experience and guidance into doing something career wise holistically.

 

Wish me luck for tonight. If anyone has any tips on what to expect from the circle and how I can develop myself further into a holistic career that would be awesome.

 

I will keep you all posted with how I get on.

 

B x

I’ve lost 2lb! 

Stepping on the scales today I was under the expectation of I had either gained or maintained. Seeing the 2lb weight loss right before my eyes totally made my Monday morning.
I am not going to lie this whole weight loss journey is one big struggle. However I am happy to see that slowly but surely I am losing, I knew when I started this journey it wasn’t going to be an easy one but seeing the lbs drop off makes it all worth while. 

I am starting to feel a lot healthier as well. I feel lighter and slowly feeling like I have a lot more energy then I previously had.  I am not going to lie I still have let down days where I just binge or eat something that leaves me feeling disappointed in myself but I have learnt that it’s ok to have those days and not to beat myself up or stress over them.

In total over the past 9 weeks I have lost 7lbs. There were 2 weeks in which I maintained but every week I have either lost a lb or two. I want to carry on with the gradual weight loss I do not want to drop weight drastically and to quickly, at the end of my journey I want to be able to maintain my weight and I don’t think I will be able to do that by dropping 5lb a week in order to get slim quicker. 

My plan of action for the next couple of weeks is to definitely start eating better and cleaner. Also to carry on gradually building up the amount of fitness in which I am doing. 

It is true what they say; slow and steady surely does win the race! 

B x

Why I quit Clubbercise!

Over the past couple of months, I have been putting on my neon sweatbands and grabbing my glow sticks in order to get fit with clubbercise! The dancing around sweating in the dark has paid off I have lost around 5lb over the last month or two; but was it all down to clubbercise and will I keep going back?

The answer to that question is no, I will not be returning to clubbercise. Even though I have been seeing a slight change in weight I feel this has been achieved more through what I have been eating lately rather than just from clubbercise once a week. Here are my top 3 reasons why clubbercise wasn’t the right choice for me:

  1. The glow sticks and the darkness. Yep you read that correctly; one of the reasons I do not want to return is because of the darkness. I am not scared of the dark or anything but having to be in a dark room with around 80 odd glow sticks repeatedly flashing in your face really did something to me that I didn’t like. After each session, I would return home with a headache and dizziness from the lights so decided is it really worth a headache each week when I could just try and find another activity that will give me results just as well.
  2. Shin splints. Lately I have been suffering from the worst shin splints imaginable; clubbercise moves I have noticed consist of a lot of jumping around and stomping. So, for someone who has shin splints it is not the ideal form of exercise. Most of the hour I would just have to stand doing the top movements, this made me feel as though I wasn’t really getting the most out of the sessions.
  3. Same thing each week. Each week it consisted of the same exercise moves to the same music. Every now and again there would be a change in music but most of the time I was paying £5 a week to do the same stuff. This to me can make things get boring really quickly; I like change and to mix it up a little bit in order to make it more fun. If there was a mix up in songs and moves, then I may have been a little more tempted to stay but I doubt there will be any time soon so it just added another reason as to why I didn’t want to go anymore.

Overall, I can see why a lot of people are obsessed with clubbercise. It is a really fun activity that definitely gets you moving around a lot more and with like-minded fun people. But for me reality is it just wasn’t for me in terms of what I want out of my exercise. Now I am thinking of ways in which I could get more active. Clubbercise was a bit too much for me to begin with so for now I am sticking to walking a lot more and maybe purchasing an exercise bike in order to get more active.

However for anyone looking for a really fun way to get fit and get their groove on but does not suffer shin splints or light sensitivity then clubbercise is definitely for you!

B x

Meditation journey!

So my journey in life has taken me down the road of meditation.

Meditation is something in which I have always wanted to do but never had the headspace or knowledge to be able to do it; if that makes sense. My head can be pretty chaotic most of the time, with all different ranges of thoughts and processes going through my head at one given time, so to be able to sit down relax and deeply focus has always been a big struggle.

Over the past week I decided that I was going to join a local meditation and relaxation group that has started at my local healing centre. I was dubious at first of what to expect but came out with a sense of achievement and enlightenment into something in which I can see myself really getting into.  At first I couldn’t feel anything working. I tried breathing and focusing on what the mentor was saying but just didn’t feel anything happening at all. Around 10 minutes in everything changed. I could see this path clearly in my mind but I was shocked in what I saw and heard.


Instead of a nice scenic picture and thoughts there was someone crying out for help. Over and over in my head all I heard was help me! I couldn’t see this person and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t find them either, just heard them over and over crying out for me. At first this deeply worried me but having come back to the real world it made me want to search more into my mind for whom this person could be.

 

Why do they need my help? Who could this person be? Are they in trouble? Or is it me? Is the person in my head crying out help me because in reality it is my conscious telling me that something is wrong. Is the voice my own self-doubt and my own yearning for something.

 

Meditation is something in which I definitely want to stick to. By going to a meditation group it made it a hell of a lot easier to focus and actually meditate rather than having the goal of meditating in your head but never actually getting round to doing it. Also having the guidance from the mentor leading the session is a big help. Having the support from the fellow group members and a sense of belonging is the most amazing feeling.

 

I would love to hear your meditation stories. Has anyone else had negative or distressing signs from meditation or know why I am hearing negativity within my meditation?

 

B x