For most of my teenage, actually I will rephrase that; for all of my teenage years I suffered mentally. There wasn’t a day go by where I wouldn’t be fighting some sort of demon within myself. The constant paranoia and worry and half of the time not even knowing what on earth I was worrying about.
I suffered greatly after the passing of someone very close to me. I felt as though a part of me died alongside them; to think I would never be able to see them or speak to them again at the time I’d wished I had died with them. Throughout those years, I always wondered what I had done wrong in life to deserve this burden in my head constantly. Wondering if I were normal and if other people went through the thoughts and feelings in which I was going through. I didn’t want to face the world let alone my parents. They were ashamed of me, I just knew it. There was a time I remember them pinning me to the sofa and cutting my nails short because they feared me even self-harming myself by scratching. I look back on those days now and feel so ashamed for the things I put them through and the worry in which I must have caused them.
I have moved away twice from home over the past 8 years. I have also moved back twice. You never really truly appreciate home until you need it the most. I am so glad I have parents who always have an open door ready for my return when shit hits the fan in my life. 26 years old and still living with the parents, not where every adult wants to be in their life; but hey what can you do, with no proper career prospects throughout my adult life so far and two failed relationships under my belt I guess settling in back at home has been my option.
My previous relationships didn’t bode with my anxiety. Talk about rubbish choice in men, at the time obviously, I was devastated with breaking up and all that jazz but looking back now I am so glad those relationships failed. When someone feels the need to put you down about yourself constantly there is something wrong. For a man to not want to have sex with their partner there is something wrong, for two years I was with someone who didn’t want to touch me. Someone who thought sex was some sort of sin that he didn’t want to conspire in. Now I am not surprised that I was so anxious throughout all of those years. One ex even use to shut me out when I cried, crying is a form of weakness apparently.
My life changed when I decided to change for myself and not for other people. Life is about enjoyment and fulfilment on this Planet whilst we have the chance to do so. I decided that I was going to take control of my anxiety and stop it from controlling me. Acupuncture was such a life saver for me and I can truly put my hand on my heart and swear that it did wonders for me. I am still anxious at times but isn’t everyone? No more do I have daily panic attacks or worry attacks for no reason. I am becoming so much more confident within myself to be myself.
Never let anyone tell you that your mental illness is a form of weakness. Throughout my life, I have been made to feel ashamed for having anxiety and depression. To be shunned and excluded for being different or not fitting in because socially you do not know how to act. Do not let these people do this to you. Be proud to talk about your mental illness, share your stories with others because you never know they may be feeling exactly the same as you have once been but just do not know how to talk about it or tell anyone.
I have reduced my anxiety levels by 85% compared to my past self. There are options out there just be brave enough to know it’s ok to ask for help. Do not be ashamed of who you are. Life is about choices only you can make a difference for yourself. Make that first step to a clearer more focused mind.