1 year no birth control!

It has been one year since I made the decided to come off all forms of hormonal birth control; I am so glad I made this decision.

Since coming of the Depo-Provera injection back in April 2016 I thought it was going to be an easy road to recovery in terms of getting my body back to normal again; oh how wrong was I. Unfortunately I have noticed that seeing any changes within myself and to my body is becoming a very long frustrating process but month after month I am slowly seeing that the decision to quit was the right one.

Positives I have seen since quitting birth control 


1. Sex Drive – I have to say I have never had such a thriving desire for sex as I do now. Since coming away from hormonal birth control this yearning for sexual contact with my partner is at an all time high. It feels so good to actually yearn for it and enjoy it rather than doing it because I have to. When on birth control my lack of sexual desire was at an all time low, it took away my interest in the one thing that is so natural and amazing.


2. Periods – I never thought I would say this but I am actually happy to get my period each month. It took around 6 months after coming off the Depo-Provera before I saw my first period return but ever since they have been at a regular 28-29 day cycle and lasting for around 4 days each time. They have become a lot lighter to what I use to get before going on birth control so I am happy with how they are at the moment. I have also noticed I am becoming more and more  broody with each monthly cycle that passes. Not sure if this is a natural yearning to procreate but it feels amazing wanting this desire to create a life. I hope one day in the future I will be able to make this desire a reality. Also getting in tune with my menstural cycle and the amazing feel of knowing that my body is becoming more natural.


3. Emotions – To have actual emotions back is an amazing feeling. I felt as though birth control took away my natural instinct to feel emotions. I was very anxious and depressed whilst on birth control and never really knew how to control myself emotionally. Over the past few months I am slowly beginning to feel myself again, sometimes I get anxious but it’s a natural anxiety not a anxiety fuelled by contraception.

 

Negatives I have seen since quitting birth control 


1.Weight – When I was on hormonal birth I gained 5 stone in weight. Going from a size 6-8 to a size 16-18. It has really knocked my confidence putting on so much and lately has really got me down as I am struggling to lose the lbs. Since coming of the injection I have only lost around 7lbs. I am finding it very hard to curb my cravings and getting my eating habits under control. When I start doing well there always seems to be something that comes along making the tempetation all to hard and I give in. My willpower is something in which I really need to work on. Slowly I am dropping weight but it has become such a slow process that I am very frustrated in deed with it.


2. PMS – Having my periods back has been an amazing thing, having the PMS that comes along with the periods hasn’t been so amazing. With each month that passes I have noticed more and more my PMS making a come back. Around a week before my period is due the headaches are slowly returning. Also having cramps and period pains is becoming a regular occurance. My moods do change around the time of my period but I am slowly becoming more away of this and learning how to deal with these situations.


3. Pain – Most of the pain in which I get is down to my size. I have tiny legs and all this weight on top of them that exercise is becoming a real struggle. I have tried all sorts to get fit, clubbercise, gym even a bit of swimming just before I quit the injection but nothing has seemed to help. The pain in which I get in my knees and breathlessness also puts me off exercising. I know this is something is which I need to push through, as they say no pain no gain but sometimes the pain is so unbarable its hard to deal with. Next week I start a new form of exercise that is becoming more and more popular, trompine fitness. As trampoline fitness has been shown to have less impact on the joints but be as good as a running session I am hoping this will get some of my weight off and then make it more easier for me to try other forms of exercising. I have also invested in a pair of walking boots so I can get out and about a bit more within nature.

 

Overall the decision to come away from birth control as a whole was totally the right one for me. I haven’t felt so good in years and yes the process in some aspects of it are slow and frustrating but they are also amazing because I am becoming more at one with myself and my body. Since coming off the Depo I have invested in a Daysy fertility monitor and also tracking my cycle naturally. At first it was tricky getting into the swing of things and knowing when I am and not fertile but now I wouldn’t have it any other way. Yes there is a risk of becoming pregnant that risk is there with contraception. I want to become a more healthy individual from the inside out and that includes birth control methods. The daysy is so simple to use and is 99.3% scientifically proven method of birth control so the choice is an easy one to make.

 

I would urge all females out there to step away from hormobal birth control; there are better and more safer methods out there, more natural methods. We live in a society that encourages us to keep fit and eat healthy, a society that encourages and promotes a healthy lifestyle, why not be more healthy with birth control. Be more at one with your cycle, learn how your body works and what your body wants from you naturally. Learn to love and feel amazing again. Most of all, learn to be the true you again.

 

B x

 

Sex obsessed after ditching birth control!

Almost 1 year ago, I made the decision to completely rid hormonal birth control from my life. The result; I am now sex obsessed!

Hormonal birth control was a part of my life for around 9 years. After suffering the worst PMS and agonising long heavy periods each month the doctor decided the best move for me was to pill pop, by pill pop I mean take the birth control pill back to back so I didn’t even have a withdraw bleed. 7 years of having to constantly remember to take them day in day out became even more tedious so was then moved up to the more grown up stuff; the Depo provera shot. Not only did this 3-monthly injection make me pile on tonnes of weight and have health concern after health concern it also zapped away my libido.  Sex was definitely off limits during this time, even the thought of a penis made me want to vomit. Now I realise how the contraceptive injection stops pregnancy, it literally puts women off sex.

After months of deliberation I finally made the decision to go natural. Pumping my body full of synthetic hormones wasn’t doing me any good, it was time to quit. The one thing in which I have noticed since coming off the injection apart from the return of my PMS and periods is my sex drive. Oh boy, never before in my life has my libido been so high. At the moment, I crave sex on a daily basis. It is like my mind is constantly in some kind of pornography mode where images pulsate through my mind like it is stuck in repeat.

I do not know whether this is a passing phase or what it is. I am not sure whether it is a good thing or not. It is like I crave such wild and wonderful things my mind cannot drop them until maybe I have fulfilled them. Masturbation is even something in which I have been doing a lot more of recently, I never explored down there myself previously, masturbation was something in which I found boring and mundane. Now it is like I love exploring myself and figuring out all the right buttons to press.

My poor better half, I do not think he knows how to take this side of me at the moment. I feel he thinks that’s all I want him for right now, but it isn’t. Growing up I always thought men wanted sex crazed women who would satisfy them multiple times daily, so now I feel confused sometimes when a man is telling you that sex is all I seem to think about.

Now I have this new lease of life for sex it is something in which I want to explore even further into with my partner. Tantric sex, outdoor sex, role play and karma sutra are all things I want to master. I am learning that to have a fiery appetite for sex is better than no appetite at all. We are all sexual beings who yearn for something deep within ourselves, it is whether or not you have the courage to seek the desires in which raid your mind.

My advice to all women out there, ditch hormonal birth control. If you are suffering from health concerns or lack of sex drive and on contraception that is your problem. Hormonal birth control doesn’t help with your problems it masks them, if not makes them worse. If you want to feel desire again sexually take my advice and quit birth control. You will thank me for it.

B x

Anxiety! The daily battle of trials and tribulations.

For most of my teenage, actually I will rephrase that; for all of my teenage years I suffered mentally. There wasn’t a day go by where I wouldn’t be fighting some sort of demon within myself. The constant paranoia and worry and half of the time not even knowing what on earth I was worrying about.

I suffered greatly after the passing of someone very close to me. I felt as though a part of me died alongside them; to think I would never be able to see them or speak to them again at the time I’d wished I had died with them. Throughout those years, I always wondered what I had done wrong in life to deserve this burden in my head constantly. Wondering if I were normal and if other people went through the thoughts and feelings in which I was going through. I didn’t want to face the world let alone my parents. They were ashamed of me, I just knew it. There was a time I remember them pinning me to the sofa and cutting my nails short because they feared me even self-harming myself by scratching. I look back on those days now and feel so ashamed for the things I put them through and the worry in which I must have caused them.

I have moved away twice from home over the past 8 years. I have also moved back twice. You never really truly appreciate home until you need it the most. I am so glad I have parents who always have an open door ready for my return when shit hits the fan in my life. 26 years old and still living with the parents, not where every adult wants to be in their life; but hey what can you do, with no proper career prospects throughout my adult life so far and two failed relationships under my belt I guess settling in back at home has been my option.

My previous relationships didn’t bode with my anxiety. Talk about rubbish choice in men, at the time obviously, I was devastated with breaking up and all that jazz but looking back now I am so glad those relationships failed. When someone feels the need to put you down about yourself constantly there is something wrong. For a man to not want to have sex with their partner there is something wrong, for two years I was with someone who didn’t want to touch me. Someone who thought sex was some sort of sin that he didn’t want to conspire in. Now I am not surprised that I was so anxious throughout all of those years. One ex even use to shut me out when I cried, crying is a form of weakness apparently.

My life changed when I decided to change for myself and not for other people. Life is about enjoyment and fulfilment on this Planet whilst we have the chance to do so. I decided that I was going to take control of my anxiety and stop it from controlling me. Acupuncture was such a life saver for me and I can truly put my hand on my heart and swear that it did wonders for me. I am still anxious at times but isn’t everyone? No more do I have daily panic attacks or worry attacks for no reason. I am becoming so much more confident within myself to be myself.

Never let anyone tell you that your mental illness is a form of weakness. Throughout my life, I have been made to feel ashamed for having anxiety and depression. To be shunned and excluded for being different or not fitting in because socially you do not know how to act. Do not let these people do this to you. Be proud to talk about your mental illness, share your stories with others because you never know they may be feeling exactly the same as you have once been but just do not know how to talk about it or tell anyone.

I have reduced my anxiety levels by 85% compared to my past self. There are options out there just be brave enough to know it’s ok to ask for help. Do not be ashamed of who you are. Life is about choices only you can make a difference for yourself. Make that first step to a clearer more focused mind.

B x

1lb to go!

1lb to lose and that’s it, I will then be finally out of the 13st range. Over the past 9 weeks I have lost 8lb, so averaging on a lb a week. I cannot begin to tell you how amazing it feels just to of lost 8lb. I feel lighter and feel that my energy and strength are slowly coming back to me. Moving around is becoming a lot easier, I can even run up the stairs now whereas a few weeks ago I could barely manage walking up the stairs without pain or breathlessness.

 

Now I have this bug for losing weight I actually feel a lot more motivated to keep it up and stick to it. Last year when I tried to lose weight I really struggled to get the motivation and determination to actually do it. I realise now that even though I told myself I was eating right I wasn’t, I still binged on chocolate and junk food which is where my downfall lay. Over the past few months I really am starting to get my diet under control; yes I do have those days where I have a treat or go for a take away but not as much as I was doing last year. I couldn’t go a day without a few bars of chocolate and packets of crisps, the weekends also consisted of two maybe even three take away meals a week. My biggest downfall last year was fizzy drinks; they were one of those things in which I just couldn’t quit, they are so addictive! I have limited the amount of fizzy drink in which I have now, only over the weekends I tend to have a fizzy drink and not on a daily occurrence in which I got into the habit to in the past.

 

Movement has also been my life saver over the past few weeks. I know that sounds funny that movement is helping, as movement is a natural normal human activity but last year my exercise levels were practically nil. As I got into that habit of not moving around and exercising like I should even just walking down the street or up the stairs was a painful process. As I gained nearly 5 stone rapidly my legs never really gained any weight; so my tiny thin legs had the challenge of carrying this larger upper body around all day, it was a struggle. It felt as though my whole body had seized up and then when I did actually have to move around it hurt, it hurt a lot so it left me thinking that every time I moved it was going to be painful this then putting me in the mind set of not actually wanting to exercise at all so I could avoid this pain; it was such a vicious circle.

 

Over the past few weeks I have tried to move around as much as possible. I have started walking more rather than using the car and making sure I do at least 30 minutes of walking daily. It was painful at first but slowly over the past few weeks I have noticed its getting so much easier. My legs do not hurt as much and I actually feel better within myself, like I have this new lease of life and I want to be moving around more. Just been able to get in and out of the bath and walk to the shops without agony and struggle is such an amazing feeling. Slowly I am starting to introduce stretching exercising and exercises such as wall push ups and squats into my daily exercise.

 

Unfortunately because of my huge weight gain this has taken a toll on my health. My liver function isn’t what it should be and after an ultrasound scan it showed a large amount of fat on my liver. Due to these results I am currently awaiting a CT scan to investigate further what is going on inside there. This may be the issue into why I was struggling to lose weight. My HDL (good cholesterol) is at 0.89 at the moment where within a healthy adult it such be ideally above 1.2mmol/l; this indicates that something isn’t working as it should be within your liver when it comes to breaking down fats; maybe this is the reason into why I have been struggling so much with weight loss who knows. In a couple of weeks I will have my scan and hopefully get some more answers.

 

Overall I feel amazing. It is a slow process but I am feeling so good that I am finally losing; in a way I am happy that it is a lb a week because this is a healthy weight loss rather than losing it all at once. I know it is going to take time before I get that body I want back but it’s time and hard work in which I am willing to take.

 

B x

I’ve lost 2lb! 

Stepping on the scales today I was under the expectation of I had either gained or maintained. Seeing the 2lb weight loss right before my eyes totally made my Monday morning.
I am not going to lie this whole weight loss journey is one big struggle. However I am happy to see that slowly but surely I am losing, I knew when I started this journey it wasn’t going to be an easy one but seeing the lbs drop off makes it all worth while. 

I am starting to feel a lot healthier as well. I feel lighter and slowly feeling like I have a lot more energy then I previously had.  I am not going to lie I still have let down days where I just binge or eat something that leaves me feeling disappointed in myself but I have learnt that it’s ok to have those days and not to beat myself up or stress over them.

In total over the past 9 weeks I have lost 7lbs. There were 2 weeks in which I maintained but every week I have either lost a lb or two. I want to carry on with the gradual weight loss I do not want to drop weight drastically and to quickly, at the end of my journey I want to be able to maintain my weight and I don’t think I will be able to do that by dropping 5lb a week in order to get slim quicker. 

My plan of action for the next couple of weeks is to definitely start eating better and cleaner. Also to carry on gradually building up the amount of fitness in which I am doing. 

It is true what they say; slow and steady surely does win the race! 

B x

Why I quit Clubbercise!

Over the past couple of months, I have been putting on my neon sweatbands and grabbing my glow sticks in order to get fit with clubbercise! The dancing around sweating in the dark has paid off I have lost around 5lb over the last month or two; but was it all down to clubbercise and will I keep going back?

The answer to that question is no, I will not be returning to clubbercise. Even though I have been seeing a slight change in weight I feel this has been achieved more through what I have been eating lately rather than just from clubbercise once a week. Here are my top 3 reasons why clubbercise wasn’t the right choice for me:

  1. The glow sticks and the darkness. Yep you read that correctly; one of the reasons I do not want to return is because of the darkness. I am not scared of the dark or anything but having to be in a dark room with around 80 odd glow sticks repeatedly flashing in your face really did something to me that I didn’t like. After each session, I would return home with a headache and dizziness from the lights so decided is it really worth a headache each week when I could just try and find another activity that will give me results just as well.
  2. Shin splints. Lately I have been suffering from the worst shin splints imaginable; clubbercise moves I have noticed consist of a lot of jumping around and stomping. So, for someone who has shin splints it is not the ideal form of exercise. Most of the hour I would just have to stand doing the top movements, this made me feel as though I wasn’t really getting the most out of the sessions.
  3. Same thing each week. Each week it consisted of the same exercise moves to the same music. Every now and again there would be a change in music but most of the time I was paying £5 a week to do the same stuff. This to me can make things get boring really quickly; I like change and to mix it up a little bit in order to make it more fun. If there was a mix up in songs and moves, then I may have been a little more tempted to stay but I doubt there will be any time soon so it just added another reason as to why I didn’t want to go anymore.

Overall, I can see why a lot of people are obsessed with clubbercise. It is a really fun activity that definitely gets you moving around a lot more and with like-minded fun people. But for me reality is it just wasn’t for me in terms of what I want out of my exercise. Now I am thinking of ways in which I could get more active. Clubbercise was a bit too much for me to begin with so for now I am sticking to walking a lot more and maybe purchasing an exercise bike in order to get more active.

However for anyone looking for a really fun way to get fit and get their groove on but does not suffer shin splints or light sensitivity then clubbercise is definitely for you!

B x

Weight loss battle.

I really feel I have failed myself the past couple of weeks, I don’t feel so pleased with myself right at this very moment. Since losing 3lbs over the past month I feel that the last two weeks I have really gone off track. Movement has been pretty much none existent and eating healthy has gone out the window.

 

Here is where I feel I have gone wrong-


1. Snacking to much – This tends to happen mainly at work. Boredom and work colleagues do not help with the food cravings when a constant array of junk food is brought into the office and put under my nose, it’s so hard to resist.

2. Will power – I have no will power at the moment to say no I can’t have that it’s not good for you. Instead I am in the habit of “Oh I will have it just this once, one small treat won’t hurt and the diet can start again tomorrow” unfortunately that happens near on a daily occurrence.

3. Not sticking to plans – I have this plan at the start of the week that I will get home from work and move around more. I will get out and do some exercise even if it’s only a 30 minute walk or maybe even stretches at home. When I get home I then just tend to have a bath then lounge around in bed.

4. Not helping myself – This is my big downfall, I want to reach my goals and I know the way I am not is having a really bad effect on my health at the moment but I still carry on doing bad things. Maybe I do not have it in me to do it, but deep down I know I do, I just do not know why I cannot stick to things or achieve my goals.

 

Here is what I feel I need to do in order to make improvements.


1. Stop indulging when there isn’t any need to – Yes a little treat every now and again isn’t bad for you. Me on the other hand I need to stop letting myself indulge in junk food when I know it isn’t good for me. I need to get more will power to say no.

2. I need to exercise – This is a big one for me. At the moment when I try to exercise it hurts and I feel I cannot breath, this is what stops me from doing it. I get put off by the pain when really I know that if I push through it and carry on the pain will eventually subside and I will get better at it. I definitely need to get more physically active.

3. Health – I really need to take control of my health. I am having liver problems at the moment, probably down to my rapid weight gain and unhealthy lifestyle. I am sat around waiting for doctor’s appointments at things but maybe I need to take matters into my own hands to sort out my health issues. I need to be more forward and chase things in terms of appointments instead of been so timid and waiting weeks and weeks to be seen.

4. Confidence – Overall I need to improve my overall confidence and tell myself I can do it and I will get there, instead of been so negative and feeling I will never be able to do it. I need to try new activities and new food.

 

My weight loss goal is 4 stone, I really want to get back down to 9 stone. Get a flatter stomach and drop a couple of dress sizes. Overall I just want to be healthier; to be able to have the energy to go out and do things in life and enjoy life, that is my goal.

 

B x

A letter to my anxiety.

Dear Anxiety

I hate you! Not to sound nasty but you have been the bane of my life for so long now that I am at the point where you have become hard to tolerate. I spend hours pondering over why you have chosen me and what I have done to deserve been lumbered with you.

You have this annoying way of interfering and ruining everything in life, the way you just turn up out of the blue unannounced is really not called for, why can’t you just leave me alone. Please just let me be. Growing up I thought you were normal; I thought everyone had you invading their head, but I was wrong. You are a parasite, invading the weak and vulnerable, taking control over every inch of life you can get hold of.

You ruin relationships and make having any form of a social life an impossible challenge. You always make me think the worst in things; always making me feel I need to rush into things but then making me so indecisive at the same time, it’s so confusing. You haunt me with paranoia to the point I am sick and my body is weak and out of my control you’re like medusa and turn me to stone every time I dare look at you. You make routine such a big issue, if something is a second late or worse still out of routine completely you make it feel as though the world is coming to an end around me.

I wish you could tell me why you always need such reassurance all the time about every little aspect of everything; when you don’t get that reassurance you punish me to the point that I don’t even want the ability to even have my own thoughts anymore. You have made every day of my life a living nightmare. The biggest challenge of my life has been dealing with you, but not anymore; we are over!

This is my letter of resignation to you. No more am I going to have you dictate and control my life. No more am I going to let you ruin my relationships and social life. Most importantly no more am I going to let you ruin me or my dreams.

 

I know you’re not going to be easy to ditch but I will, I am stronger than you think. I am going to live my life for me and not you, I am taking back the reins and having full control for once. There is so much in life in which you have come in the way of. Stopped me doing and achieving so much but watch this space; the new me is on its way.

 

Adios anxiety this is our final goodbye and do me a favour and never look back.

 

B x

 

P.S. Life is already so much more better without you.

 


A letter to my period.

Dear Period

Oh how I missed you for all this time. It has been years since we have seen each other properly so really this should be a joyous occasion, instead you have to make this reunion a difficult one.

I realise that maybe you are punishing me for taking you away for so long, but what was I supposed to do, get pregnant! Pregnancy really wasn’t an option in my younger years. I needed security and convinece. You also made life difficult back then, paining me with headaches and cramps, not to mention been the heaviest you could possibly make it and not quitting for 2 weeks straight sometimes; hence why I thought things would be better if you wasn’t around.

I slowly started to realise that I missed you; that you were actually there for a purpose and reason. The Pill and the contraception injections were not the best decisions I have made in life so surely you can let me off with some of the blame, I think I felt worse on those then I actually did in your company. At least you actually left me a lone for a little while each month unlike the synthetic hormones messing up my body on a daily basis. I want now to be more natural and have you around.

Now that you are back in my life there are one or two favours in which I would like to ask of you. These of course are down to you, but I would really appreciate you taking the time to consider the affects it would have on our relationship and whether or not we will start a beautiful friendship or not.

1. Please can you tell the headaches to make a swift exit. One day a month, yeah I can deal with that, but 3-4 days straight, seriously! At least make a compromise and allow the painkillers to actually serve a purpose.

2. I like being in a happy mood, me and mood swings do not mix well; not to mention the sudden outbursts of tears and fear of the world burning down around me. Please make not only our time together but the time I spend with others whilst you’re around each month a happy occasion.

3. Can you at least at times try to be on time. It isn’t really much to ask, as soon as you are at least an hour later than usual I have this sudden panic that you aren’t going to show and that would be a shame, wouldn’t it.

4. One more request; now that your monthly visits are around 4 days long and not so tedious at the moment please can we keep the agreement that we stick to this plan. Don’t get me wrong I like having you around now but I must admit I am pleased when you decide to leave.

Most of all I want to say thank you for deciding to come back. I know years ago I messed up but I am older now and a lot wiser. I have found that the natural way is best way, so please be reassured that I won’t be turning to those nasty birth controls anymore, you’re here to stay. Let’s make this partnership a great one.

 

B x


P.S. If you could also send me a complimentary box of chocolates each month that would be a bonus.

Bush of love!

For years I endured the pain of going bare down there and for what reason? Was it to impress men? To make me feel sexy? To feel cleaner? Who knows the exact reason as to why I wanted to look pubescent; all I knew was that the razor had to be ditched.

I’ve been growing my pubic hair for a year now and I’ve never felt better. Yes I give it the occasional trim every now and again but a razor hasn’t headed south in such a long time.

So what is best, hairy or hair free? For me it has to be hairy. I never thought years ago I would see the day where having a bush was an option, now I truly feel that everyone should go down the natural path. Your pubic hair is there for a reason, it protects you from bacteria and developing infections, why interfere with something put there for purpose. 

Women have this opinion that men want them completely hair free. Most Pornography films show women clean shaven so women instantly get this sense of thinking this is what men want. This is what they have to do in order for men to find them sexy and attractive. Well I have news for you ladies; men don’t care if you have a bush. Some find it kind of sexy in a way that a woman has the confidence to be natural and choose to grow her pubic hair. 

Also the up side to not shaving is not having to deal with the horrible shaving rashes; the itchy stubble that grows back the day after shaving in which you have the agony of shaving again; the constant irritation and discomfort. It’s so comfortable having hair and in a way I feel even more sexy with it then I did without it.

B x